Hi all, One of my best friends has a teenager with Aspergers, and I recognize many of the same symptoms in my husband. Can you recommend any resources (books, articles, websites) that would help to reduce the frustration level in our marriage? With thanks, MK Hi MK yes, there are a number of books out there but the names escape me right now. Visit Future Horizons website or Autism Today (their bookstore) and peruse the offerings. MK

This one is recommended by

This one is recommended by several people I know. Being an Aspie myself, I don't have much use for it! It is really positive though, compared to others that seem to be very much down on the Aspie / Nt relationship, saying it can't work, or should not work. Some are authored by those with a personal grudge against a former Aspie beaux. "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships," by Ashley Standford. An NT who is married to an Aspie and understands - for a change. In one chapter, she compares her assumptions to how her aspie husband thinks: Here were my assumptions: My husband is angry with me over certain things, just like I am angry with him over certains things. My husband sees and feels the emotional iceberg between us. If I am too nice to my husband, he will see it as a weakness and be even more mean. Here's what I found: Just because I have an emotion doesn't mean he will respond in kind - he does not engage in this level of emotional reciprocity. Also, he is rarely angry about anything. Anger is a rare emotion for him. I have misinterpreted his quietness for a cold shoulder when it really was quietness. My husband doesn't know what an emotional iceberg looks like. I am the only one who can see the icebergs and the cold shoulders. My husband doesn't intend to inflict hurt. He just doesn't think in terms of reciprocity in the way I do. He relishes all the nice things we do together and isn't keeping score like I am. It takes a lot of introspective work to figure out these matters. We have different neurological wiring; different operating systems run in our brains. With a little trouble-shooting, a lot of patience, and an awareness how we are programmed differently, we can begin to decode each other and write our own personal user manuals. Maybe someday we'll even have tech support (couples counseling). Listen up, NTs: Everything you assume about aspies is probably wrong and that includes the NT parents of aspies. You need to learn how to speak Aspergese: we can only meet you halfway. And it is gut-wrenchingly hard to do even that! Aspies, this is a monumental problem for us. They are keeping a tit-for-tat score so I suppose we need to walk around with notebooks and PDAs and try to keep a tally. I sort of do this mentally because I know from hard experience that is the way the NT world operates. How in the world can we ever come to some understanding when they are just as mind-blind to us as we are to them?


There are few resources for adults with Aspergers. One of the few books I have found is Solutions For Adults With Asperger Syndrome by Juanita P. Lovett, PHD. It is available at Chapters. The hardcover edition is $34.95. The Chapters store on Granville in Vancouver had 1 copy last time I checked. I bought it only to discover I already had it so I returned it. AH